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Relationships
Four principles help you enrich your relationships. Gay Hendricks, best-selling author of Conscious Living talks about these principles:- Turn a complaint into a request or action.
- Tell the truth.
- Accept feelings.
- Keep agreements.
1. Turn a complaint into a request or action.
To complain can be merely destructive. It helps when you transform the painful feelings associated into a request like: "Please call me when you find out you're going to be delayed in leaving from work." Also, taking personal action may be the needed solution. If your complaint about where one squeezes the toothpaste tube goes unheeded - get your own tube - and eliminate a source of frustration.
2. Tell the truth.
My sweetheart and I sometimes use this pattern. If one of us seems irritable, the other asks, "What are you afraid of?" When the irritable one says, "I'm afraid that I'll miss the deadline and my client will...," the voiced fear loses power. Often unvoiced, vague fears exert more power over us. When we voice what we are afraid of, we can work with the situation.
Here is another example: the first time I went to a rock-climbing facility, I encountered fear. After climbing up to the roof, I called down to the instructor, "I'm scared as heck!" I had a good reason. The instructor was going to have my life in his hands, as he held the ropes as I belayed my way down the wall. After I exclaimed, "I'm scared..." I found that my fear had decreased in severity. I belayed down the wall - and was filled with a rush of joy.
3. Accept feelings
Often couples get into trouble when one partner tries to "logic" the other out of his/her feelings. Accept feelings. One partner says, "I'm feeling..." And the other partner says, "Okay." In this way, the listener avoids expressing any judgments.
4. Keep agreements.
Painful feelings are often caused by broken agreements. Before you agree too quickly in your efforts to be agreeable - give yourself "think space." That is, you can say, "I need to double check a couple of details. How about I call you back at 3pm? By then, I'll know more about my schedule. Will that work for you?" Make fewer agreements - take great care in making them. Also, double check with your partner. Ask, "Let me see if I got this right? We just agreed to ______. Is that about right?"
These principles have greatly enhanced my relationships.
The best to you,
Tom
Tom Marcoux
Author of Communicate to Win